Thursday, December 9, 2010

Who says I can't be free?

A lot has changed in the past month. Many things I'm happy with, many things I'm not.

Life has a funny way of changing your plans. Of convincing you that you're happy and that things are going to turn out like you hope that they will- and then wham- everything changes. People are not who you thought they were, and you are not the person that you have always been. Change. It's the only thing we can rely on.

I've always done well with change. I moved a lot, forcing me to okay with change. I would meet new people and lose touch with others. Become comfortable in a new house and at a new church and school. It was just how it was. And now that I am making my life the way that I want it to be- choosing carefully the people and objects in it, suddenly change isn't so easy anymore. Especially when the change is not something you welcomed or even saw coming.

But the beautiful thing about change is that it makes you stronger. You are forced to roll with the punches, to adjust, to move forward relying on yourself a little more and everyone else a little less.

I also have been thinking a lot about loss. Loss of people, things, feelings. I remember the feelings I felt 6 years ago around this time. High school, innocence, naive. I will never have those same feelings again. I'm sad about it in a way, but then I think about how much I've grown and the lessons I have learned and I am comforted. I know how to handle situations and I don't have to hurt over and over again from the same things.

I've been mildly obsessed with John Mayer's song "Who says" the past week. There is a line that says, "Who says I can't be free? From all of the things that I used to be. Rewrite my history. Who says I can't be free?" I don't know why those lyrics resonate so much with me at this time in my life. I think as humans we are all semi-scared to be alone. Or at least I am. I like the comfort of a relationship. Knowing you are loved by someone. Whether it's unconditional, or not. In a lot of cases not. But there is something SO empowering about being alone and being okay with it. With knowing that you are your own best friend and that you are happy with yourself. Maybe one day I will get there. This all sounds so cliche', but oh well.

Some good friends of mine are hurting. Not in the "things aren't going our way" kind of way. Real pain. Real fear. And so I hurt. And I am scared. And I am facing a lot of these feeling alone now, for the first time in a while. And I feel selfish because I'm upset that I have to feel them alone. And now I feel even more selfish for even putting it in writing.

I feel better. I should write more.
Off to work.