Thursday, December 9, 2010

Who says I can't be free?

A lot has changed in the past month. Many things I'm happy with, many things I'm not.

Life has a funny way of changing your plans. Of convincing you that you're happy and that things are going to turn out like you hope that they will- and then wham- everything changes. People are not who you thought they were, and you are not the person that you have always been. Change. It's the only thing we can rely on.

I've always done well with change. I moved a lot, forcing me to okay with change. I would meet new people and lose touch with others. Become comfortable in a new house and at a new church and school. It was just how it was. And now that I am making my life the way that I want it to be- choosing carefully the people and objects in it, suddenly change isn't so easy anymore. Especially when the change is not something you welcomed or even saw coming.

But the beautiful thing about change is that it makes you stronger. You are forced to roll with the punches, to adjust, to move forward relying on yourself a little more and everyone else a little less.

I also have been thinking a lot about loss. Loss of people, things, feelings. I remember the feelings I felt 6 years ago around this time. High school, innocence, naive. I will never have those same feelings again. I'm sad about it in a way, but then I think about how much I've grown and the lessons I have learned and I am comforted. I know how to handle situations and I don't have to hurt over and over again from the same things.

I've been mildly obsessed with John Mayer's song "Who says" the past week. There is a line that says, "Who says I can't be free? From all of the things that I used to be. Rewrite my history. Who says I can't be free?" I don't know why those lyrics resonate so much with me at this time in my life. I think as humans we are all semi-scared to be alone. Or at least I am. I like the comfort of a relationship. Knowing you are loved by someone. Whether it's unconditional, or not. In a lot of cases not. But there is something SO empowering about being alone and being okay with it. With knowing that you are your own best friend and that you are happy with yourself. Maybe one day I will get there. This all sounds so cliche', but oh well.

Some good friends of mine are hurting. Not in the "things aren't going our way" kind of way. Real pain. Real fear. And so I hurt. And I am scared. And I am facing a lot of these feeling alone now, for the first time in a while. And I feel selfish because I'm upset that I have to feel them alone. And now I feel even more selfish for even putting it in writing.

I feel better. I should write more.
Off to work.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Getting back to me.

So, I have taken somewhat of a blogging hiatus. Things have been busy to say the least. I believe my last entry was in essence me moping about not having a job and whatnot- I should not have been so negative. Soon after I wrote that I was offered a job. A pretty good one too. I was offered the job on July 19th I believe, went to camp for a week and started orientation on the 26th- so it was definitely a whirlwind.

It is so strange to start a new job. Especially as a nurse right out of school. There is such a learning curve! As prepared as I was- I was still so green. The amount of responsibility that is placed in your hands everyday that you go to work is so overwhelming, and although I have been working for almost 2 months now, I still cannot believe that I am the ones caring for these people- that it is me that they must rely on and trust it. It is a humbling experience.

Not that everyday is rainbows and warm fuzzy's. I am definitely pushed to my limits, but I am finding that my limit is expanding daily and that patience (something that I have never possessed much of) is truly a virtue, and something I am working on.

All in all- my job blesses me in ways I can't even comprehend and that is why I chose the path that I did to begin with- To touch lives and in turn have my life touched by those that I am able to take care of. So as my Mee Maw says in reference to life's many blessings, "I am a rich lady".

So life is good.

I have a new apartment- and I love it (when the washing machine AND dishwasher aren't spilling all over the floor). It's in Mountain Brook and the area is just great. I can walk downtown to the shops and whatnot and it only takes me 5 minutes to get to work. When the weather is nice I can raise the windows and turn to AC off and play music. I can't hear the interstate or see parking lots. It's nice. Lots of people my age, so I am hoping I can meet some new people. Eventually my bff Marie will be home, and she has requested living arrangements on my couch, so that will be fun.

And, I have this boy that I like. He's been around for a while and I am hoping that he will continue to hang in there with me. Long distance is no fun but we like each other so we deal with it. He also is adored by my many nieces and nephew. Who wouldn't love someone that will play ball and 'horsey' anytime you ask. Needless to say I don't exist when he's around- but it's ok- I don't blame them. He's fun.

Addie Ruth and Jeremy

This sweet little one joined us on July 9th. 

Caroline Reece Ellison Weed
July 9th, 2010
More Recent
So I spend as much time as I can soaking up her newborness before she grows up. I fear she will be the last of the nieces/nephews so I don't want to miss out. 

Other than that not much has been going on. Things have come together and I am getting back to being me. The best is yet to come. 

Oh and I also got this during the summer.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Depends on who you ask.

In my insomnia tonight I read some of John Mayer's tumblr. I don't care what anyone says- he is talented in many ways. He can play the hell out of a guitar, of course, but he has a way with words- lyrics and in paragraph form. I read this and for some reason it really spoke to me about the crossroad I am in my life.

I’m not sure if it’s a function of advancing age or just the times we’re living in, but it’s almost impossible for me to find complete external validation in any one thought, desire, instinct or vision anymore.
Who do you want to be exactly like? Is there anybody in this world who’s laid down a template for your dreams and goals that you’d copy and paste over your own life’s story? Maybe you want to go to a music college as I did when I decided to attend Berklee College of Music in Boston. Start asking some alums whether it’s worth it and you’ll get two distinct answers. One half of the control group will tell you it’s not worth it, that you might as well just start a band and hit the road. The other half will tell you that it was the flash point for their music career and that without it they’d be nowhere. The answer depends on the experience had by each person you talk to. Maybe the “Nos” spent their semesters curled up in a ball fighting with their boyfriend or girlfriend on the phone and never applied themselves to making the most of the time there. You’ll never find the answer you want, just information with which to build your own idea and chart your own course.
Take your favorite artist, the one you look up to and see as the perfect specimen of talent, values, output, whatever the case may be - and someone else has a reason why they’re not worth even a passing glance. Is “Bob Dylan: Don’t Look Back” the documentary of a genius iconoclast or was he a self absorbed pseudo-intellectual bully? It depends on who you ask. Is Jay-Z the reigning king of hip hop or is he “all business” now? It depends on who you ask. I bring up both names because if you ask me, I put them at the top of my list of people who can do very little if no wrong at all, but it won’t take long to read someone’s opposing point of view. If you’re not sure of what you love, that means you can be talked out of it, and that’s a slippery slope.
Is your boyfriend cute? Was Hurt Locker the best movie of the year? Are you going to go out in those shoes? Should you take the promotion and move to Boston? Did I wear “Hammer” pants on stage in Houston or is Rick Owens a visionary clothing designer?
It all depends on who you ask.
Which is a pretty great reason to stop asking all together. Nobody’s life template will ever lay evenly over yours. And in those times when they clash completely, you have to walk alone, with confidence that you’re creating your own template, made out of your own instincts and your own dreams and your own goals. And if you do it long enough, maybe someone someday will look to yours as the life to model theirs after. Of course, some people won’t agree with them. It will all depend on who they ask.
(John Mayer, not Jodi Messer) 

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Love Never Fails

It's been a while since I've written. I thought about apologizing, but life has truly been a whirlwind of busyness and emotion- plus, I'm not sure anyone even reads so I will refrain.

As of 10 minutes ago I am obsessed with the Brandon Heath song, "Love Never Fails". I needed to hear those lyrics today. To remind me what love- especially His love is all about.

The past month and a half have been amazing. I graduated college. I passed my boards (Jodi Marie Messer, RN, BSN). I have spent time with family, friends, and Jeremy. I am incredibly blessed. Beyond blessed. I have a home. My needs are met. I am loved.

This is not to say that the last month and a half has been easy. The last month and a half has been anything but easy.

I have not found a job, I had to move back in with my parents in Roanoke, and I am broke. Although I am going through what most just-out-of-college kids are facing- I am in shock. I am a nurse. I am supposed to be able to find a job no problem. Not so. I do not have what most jobs are asking for- experience.

I have no control in my life, and it is breaking me. I am emotionally exhausted. I have been too exhausted to write about it. Because, I just get upset and broken down like I have been since I walked across the stage and turned my tassel.

Why is it when we are challenged, that our faith flourishes? I feel stronger in my faith than I have in a while, but even this doesn't touch the defeat I feel some days. I need camp. I need to think. I need to pray. I need to be understood.

When you are upset about something, do you tell yourself silly things like- "If I just had a cup of coffee I  think I would feel better"? Because I do. Sometimes it even works.

I am a weirdo. More later.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Lots going on.

So, I know I haven't posted a lot (if anyone even reads this) but, a lot has been going on! We moved back to the Gump from Nashville, finished all paperwork/schoolwork, had a 3 day NCLEX review for boards, and started to prepare for our cruise..... and then the oil spill happened. Needless to say our cruise runs the risk of getting cancelled. As of now, things are still ago. I hope we get to go- I need some fun in the sun after 2 years of non-stop studying. If not, we will still have fun... I keep telling myself we can always reschedule. Plus, this oil spill is horrible...

I got back into the gym 2 weeks ago and completely changed my diet- I was fed up with feeling like crap. Let me tell you- I feel amazing. I work out about an hour at least every other day. At first I was doing it so that I wouldn't feel quite so bad about myself in Mexico, but as I continued I realized that I wanted this to be my lifestyle. I want to look AND feel good. I want to go to bed knowing I am a healthy person- on the inside and out. It's been wonderful... I don't really question whether it will stick. I am making the conscious choice daily to be the best I can be.

I got a new haircut. Wow. It's all kinds of short, and until about 15 minutes ago I was on the fence about it. Then I looked in the mirror again, and I fell in love. This is what it looks like.

I skyped with Marie and she loved it, so I feel like it's cute. 

I am about to leave to go to Roanoke to see my grandmother. So excited. 

Be well, 

Friday, March 26, 2010

Nashville- Never want to leave.

So, I don't want to go back to Montgomery. Why would you when every time you get off work you get to go eat here

Seriously- the BEST pancakes I have EVER had. We've been there twice- just enough to make me crave it every time I leave the hospital.

Me and Jeremy were talking last night about how we want to celebrate our graduation in May. We feel that the only appropriate thing to do is to take all of our family and friends to our place. Thus, we will be celebrating the RN, BSN at Saigon Deli. It just feels like the right thing to do.

Although, we never want to leave Nashville, we were a little homesick for our favorite restaurant. So we searched for a Vietnamese restaurant here to try and get our fix. We went here, and while it was good- it was nothing like the real deal. The chopsticks were made out of wood and there was no fish sauce on the table- weird.

If anyone has any suggestions for good/fun places to go eat in Nashville, please let me know.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

No place for the weary kind.

Lately I've been feeling somewhat.... jumbled. I just moved temporarily to a new city, I am close to graduating, I am 1 month from going on a cruise to Mexico, and I am 3 months away from being an aunt for the 4th time. While all that is extremely exciting, I can't help but feel a little scattered.

I have always liked stability, but have more recently yearned for change. New city, new people, and new ideas. I'm  on the look-out for my people- my place. There is always the adjustment period when relocating. I remember going through it in Roanoke, in Auburn, and then in Montgomery, and now in Nashville. It's hard to describe really. It's a blend of excitement and homesickness. The Nashville move has by far been the best. Of course I moved here with Jeremy, so that helps. I think perhaps this move has been better because it's temporary (although now we joke about not wanting to go back, ha). But, alas, we must. Hopefully to return in June or July, Lord willing.

I found this quote a little while ago:

When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion. - Abraham Lincoln
It hit home with recent events in my life. Personal struggles and inner triumphs. When it's broken down isn't this how we all feel?
We do something good- learn a new skill, workout, show kindness or mercy, forgive, love- and we feel on top of the world- We have acted "godly".

And then we act "human"- we are impatient, we make a bad choices, we are inconsiderate or close-minded.

I have found myself acting more "human" these days, and I don't feel too good about it. So, I'm going to try to change some things. If I am going to expect others to show kindness, generosity, and patience than I have to do the same. I seem to remember something about the Golden Rule....

The older I get the more I realize how I have high standards for people. Maybe higher than I should have. I think I get it from my father. I remember the crushed look on his face when others disappointed him, especially me.

Lately, these high standards have gotten me almost avoiding others. I think that I have set my standards so high that I have closed my mind to embracing others differences, and that is something that I have never wanted to happen. I have always wanted to embraces others- never wanted to see color, religion, or politics. But, that is our world... I guess my awareness has been raised since the healthcare bill passed (neutral is not a popular place to be in politics right now).

So, I'm going to try and come back down to reality. See others for who they are, themselves. Enjoy and appreciate that and take no one and no thing for granted- practice His religion.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Here's to grace and hope....

So, I am starting a new blog. As a promise I made to myself, and to my best friend, Marie, who is leaving me on April, 2nd to spend 8 months in the patagonia. If I wasn't SO happy for her, I would be sad and mope about it. So, Marie... I'm doing this for you. You better keep up your end of the bargain.

Actually, I started this blog a few months ago. Right after a good friend of mine, Matt Miller, passed away suddenly, but the words just wouldn't come. So, for my first entry I have borrowed my words from 3 years ago. From an old entry that I wrote and received one of the best compliments I have ever received in my life, from Matt Miller.

"You have no idea what I would give to be able to write like that. I'm still a big fan of yours." - Matt Miller

My response to him now would be, "You have no idea how much of an influence you have had on my life. I still am, and will always be, a big fan of yours."- Me

Matt lived his life everyday filled with grace, hope, and unending kindness. The world is a darker place without him. I love you and miss you...

So, here is my entry from November 19th, 2007. I remember writing this, and I do not have the best memory. But, I remember back to what I was going through, and think to myself, wow... i am so different, yet, so much of the same person. Hope you enjoy...