Actually, I started this blog a few months ago. Right after a good friend of mine, Matt Miller, passed away suddenly, but the words just wouldn't come. So, for my first entry I have borrowed my words from 3 years ago. From an old entry that I wrote and received one of the best compliments I have ever received in my life, from Matt Miller.
"You have no idea what I would give to be able to write like that. I'm still a big fan of yours." - Matt Miller
My response to him now would be, "You have no idea how much of an influence you have had on my life. I still am, and will always be, a big fan of yours."- Me
Matt lived his life everyday filled with grace, hope, and unending kindness. The world is a darker place without him. I love you and miss you...
So, here is my entry from November 19th, 2007. I remember writing this, and I do not have the best memory. But, I remember back to what I was going through, and think to myself, wow... i am so different, yet, so much of the same person. Hope you enjoy...
I have tried to focus on two things in my life and in my faith... grace and hope. Grace, because it is what keeps us trying to do better next time... giving us faith that there will be a next time, that we will be forgiven for our wrongdoings and, that we can build upon our struggles. Hope because it keeps us from giving up in the times that are the most trying.
The past 4 days have been hard... not the hardest days of my life so far, nor the the hardest days of my life to come. Mainly just a time of reflection- a time to pick up the pieces, gather my thoughts, and try to make sense of everything.
I looked up the definition of grace. There was about 10 definitions, but my favorite says, "The influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them." Isn't that beautiful... Grace is what gives us strength, what gives us a new beginning.
I have thought a lot about grace. How a relationship of any kind can't survive without it, whether it is a relationship with our creator, with a friend, or with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Maybe grace plays a role throughout the entire relationship, or maybe it just comes into play when that relationship is struggling, or over. Maybe grace is what gives you the courage to take a step, to find a new path, to make a new life. Maybe grace is what helps you forgive someone who has wronged you, or hurt you in the most personal way possible. Maybe grace is what inspires you, to be a more peaceful person- inside and out.
Hope is to, "Believe, desire, or trust." Isn't that how we spend everyday of our lives. Believing we can change the world, or at least what's in our own world. Desiring people and things, the things that we think will make up happy. And trusting, or at least trying to, in ourselves to make the right decisions, surround ourselves with the right people, and give kindness to everyone freely and selflessly.
Like most people, I struggle with the unknown- with the out of my control part of life. I have more often than not given into the temptation of being the first one to say "I'm sorry," the first one to pick up the phone and say "let's work this out," and the first one to admit blame even when I'm not sure there should be any. I think I'm beginning to break the cycle.. I'm proud. I am discovering things about myself that I have not even failed to see, but that I haven't even searched for. I am strong, I am valuable, I am me- and I am not disappointed that it has taken this long for me to see that, but I will never settle...
I thought about this quote from Buechner was appropriate.. I will leave you with it. “Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace. -Fredrick Buechner