Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Depends on who you ask.

In my insomnia tonight I read some of John Mayer's tumblr. I don't care what anyone says- he is talented in many ways. He can play the hell out of a guitar, of course, but he has a way with words- lyrics and in paragraph form. I read this and for some reason it really spoke to me about the crossroad I am in my life.

I’m not sure if it’s a function of advancing age or just the times we’re living in, but it’s almost impossible for me to find complete external validation in any one thought, desire, instinct or vision anymore.
Who do you want to be exactly like? Is there anybody in this world who’s laid down a template for your dreams and goals that you’d copy and paste over your own life’s story? Maybe you want to go to a music college as I did when I decided to attend Berklee College of Music in Boston. Start asking some alums whether it’s worth it and you’ll get two distinct answers. One half of the control group will tell you it’s not worth it, that you might as well just start a band and hit the road. The other half will tell you that it was the flash point for their music career and that without it they’d be nowhere. The answer depends on the experience had by each person you talk to. Maybe the “Nos” spent their semesters curled up in a ball fighting with their boyfriend or girlfriend on the phone and never applied themselves to making the most of the time there. You’ll never find the answer you want, just information with which to build your own idea and chart your own course.
Take your favorite artist, the one you look up to and see as the perfect specimen of talent, values, output, whatever the case may be - and someone else has a reason why they’re not worth even a passing glance. Is “Bob Dylan: Don’t Look Back” the documentary of a genius iconoclast or was he a self absorbed pseudo-intellectual bully? It depends on who you ask. Is Jay-Z the reigning king of hip hop or is he “all business” now? It depends on who you ask. I bring up both names because if you ask me, I put them at the top of my list of people who can do very little if no wrong at all, but it won’t take long to read someone’s opposing point of view. If you’re not sure of what you love, that means you can be talked out of it, and that’s a slippery slope.
Is your boyfriend cute? Was Hurt Locker the best movie of the year? Are you going to go out in those shoes? Should you take the promotion and move to Boston? Did I wear “Hammer” pants on stage in Houston or is Rick Owens a visionary clothing designer?
It all depends on who you ask.
Which is a pretty great reason to stop asking all together. Nobody’s life template will ever lay evenly over yours. And in those times when they clash completely, you have to walk alone, with confidence that you’re creating your own template, made out of your own instincts and your own dreams and your own goals. And if you do it long enough, maybe someone someday will look to yours as the life to model theirs after. Of course, some people won’t agree with them. It will all depend on who they ask.
(John Mayer, not Jodi Messer) 

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Love Never Fails

It's been a while since I've written. I thought about apologizing, but life has truly been a whirlwind of busyness and emotion- plus, I'm not sure anyone even reads so I will refrain.

As of 10 minutes ago I am obsessed with the Brandon Heath song, "Love Never Fails". I needed to hear those lyrics today. To remind me what love- especially His love is all about.

The past month and a half have been amazing. I graduated college. I passed my boards (Jodi Marie Messer, RN, BSN). I have spent time with family, friends, and Jeremy. I am incredibly blessed. Beyond blessed. I have a home. My needs are met. I am loved.

This is not to say that the last month and a half has been easy. The last month and a half has been anything but easy.

I have not found a job, I had to move back in with my parents in Roanoke, and I am broke. Although I am going through what most just-out-of-college kids are facing- I am in shock. I am a nurse. I am supposed to be able to find a job no problem. Not so. I do not have what most jobs are asking for- experience.

I have no control in my life, and it is breaking me. I am emotionally exhausted. I have been too exhausted to write about it. Because, I just get upset and broken down like I have been since I walked across the stage and turned my tassel.

Why is it when we are challenged, that our faith flourishes? I feel stronger in my faith than I have in a while, but even this doesn't touch the defeat I feel some days. I need camp. I need to think. I need to pray. I need to be understood.

When you are upset about something, do you tell yourself silly things like- "If I just had a cup of coffee I  think I would feel better"? Because I do. Sometimes it even works.

I am a weirdo. More later.